Sad News

On Sunday we woke up and it was a normal morning. Dan had left early for church to set up the music. Vander and I slept in (well until 7:30) Van is up in the morning until 8:30 and then he goes back down until 10, we leave for church at 10:15. When he went down for his nap, i crawled back in bed, not feeling great. It was Luke's dedication at church that day and Dan's family was in town from Minnesota. I took an hour power nap and then got myself up and ready for the day.  I had No clue what the next 24 hours would hold for our family. The rest of the day I didn't feel great, started having cramps, so I layed on the couch and took it easy. Cramps by themselves I know can happen early in pregnancy. My mom was at work that day so I called her and she said go on bedrest, drink lots of water.  Then at dinner I went to the bathroom and my thoughts went from everything is probably ok, to there is definitely something wrong. I started not only having cramps, but bleeding also. We called my mom again and she said there is nothing they can do at this point, stay in bed and we will see the dr in the morning. The night was the longest night ever. I cramped all night and the bleeding just got worse. The dr. in the morning told me to go to the er since my bleeding had become so severe. Well having my mom working at the hospital made this process much easier. We went to the er and had my blood work done and my mom went and told ultrasound that we were there and ready. This process, even though sped up was still 2 hours. We finally got wheeled over to ultrasound. Dan and I were so nervous. I know my body and know that something is not right, but until you see it there still is a glimmer of hope. Dan was watching Rory do the ultrasound and she was explaining what she was seeing. Then we saw what is making this even harder. The red flash flickering on the screen. Our little baby the size of a blueberry still has a heartbeat. Dans eyes filled with tears, Rory started to cry. Rory said she doesn't normally show patients but asked if i wanted to see. The heartbeat was there, but there are definitely bad signs.  The heartbeat is very weak.  It is only beating at 73 beats per minute, it should be at 150. There are signs that my body is preparing for miscarriage, the bleeding and cramping mainly. We met with the dr. in the NICU parents room, since there were no beds in the er. (again thankful my mom was there to pull the strings) She was so sweet and told us it is threatened miscarriage, but there is still life and our little blueberry is fighting. She scheduled an ultrasound for today at 1:15. There will either be no heartbeat, or there is a slight chance the heartbeat will improve. So now we are in the waiting game. We came home and I am on bedrest and we are waiting until 1 when Dan will watch the screen of the ultrasound, searching for the red flicker.  Dan and I spent the night laying in bed, talking, praying, crying. We feel so loved during this time.  Flowers were sent to the house, people have been texting and praying, friends came by, family brought food over, people have overwhelmed us by the support and love they have so graciously poured out upon our family. I didn't even mention Vander. Vander has been so well taken care of. Trent came over in the morning and took care of him all day while we were at the hospital, Dan played with him while I rested the rest of the day, and then he went to Grandma and Grandpas for the night. He is such a blessing during all of this and one of things that makes me break down is thinking about what a great big brother he would be.  Dan and I pondered a lot last night particularly about prayer. We serve a sovereign God that has a plan  for our lives, and our blueberries little life. If he has a plan,  and the pages are written, do our prayers matter? Will they make a difference? Will they change His mind? Is praying more for us to let things go? All the prayers being said for us, we KNOW they are heard, is God's answer going to change because of them? These are some of the questions we wrestled with last night. What we found comfort in is GOD is GOOD. If we truly believe that God is good than the way he chooses to answer our prayers, whether it be the path we would have chosen or not is going to be good. He loves our baby more than we do. He has a purpose for our little blueberries life, whether that purpose is fulfilled in 7 weeks, or 90 years, He has a plan.  We believe that if God chose to He is capable of doing much bigger than saving our little babies life, our faith isn't based on if HE chooses to spare this life, but rather our faith is in HIM and that He could if He chooses to.  What we do know is God chose this plan for us and we want to glorify Him through it. We were reading Ester last night and one thing that stood out to us was when Mordecai said to Ester," Who knows that you have come to your position for such a time as this?" God has us in the palm of His hand.  We are in this situation for a reason and we desperately want to be faithful to fulfill the mission He is calling us to!

Update: We went to the dr. and had an ultrasound that showed no baby at all. My body had flushed out the baby, so as of now it looks like we won't need a dnc. The dr. said if the bleeding gets bad again then I will need to have the cleanout surgery.  Both Dan and I really like our dr. and he left us with a thought that worth thinking about, he said"The best is yet to come!" Isn't that the truth?? In our lives here but also what we have to look forward to in heaven, the best is truly yet to come!!!